What Birth Parents Experience
A number of factors may have influenced your decision to place
your child for adoption. Yet, although each situation is different,
there are common threads that run through all adoptions. Birth
parents usually feel powerless and lack monetary and emotional
support. They may still feel social stigma, though the shame that
once prompted parents to place their pregnant daughters in maternity
homes to hide the pregnancy is slowly fading.
The following paragraphs describe experiences that you or those
you know may have gone through. These experiences are divided into
three time periods, and the specific coping issues for each period
are addressed.
Birth and Placement
Under any circumstances, giving birth is an important event in
the life of a woman and her partner. But giving birth knowing that
the baby will be placed for adoption adds another dimension.
The birth experiences of women who placed a child for adoption
are varied. Jones' book gives many examples. For some, the birth
took place in an ugly back room of a maternity home, with very
little medical care. For others, it took place in a bright, cheerful
hospital with their partner, family, and preselected adoptive
parents nearby. For many it was somewhere in between. Some were
allowed to see their baby. Some held the baby, named the baby, and
were given some time to say goodbye. Others had their baby whisked
away by nurses who said it would be easier that way. Some had lots
of emotional support, others did not.
Women interviewed by Jones described a number of reactions and
emotions after the baby was placed. For some, after recovering
physically from giving birth, the reality of what had happened sank
in. To make it hurt less, they denied that what they had gone
through was important. Other people also acted like it was no big
deal and said the mother should just go back to whatever she was
doing before she had the baby. Many women did just that.
Some women became angry, either at their parents, their partner,
the adoption agency, or "society." They acted out, stole, lied,
stayed out late, quit school, or got involved with a bad crowd.
Or, they turned their anger inward and became depressed. They
decided that they were absolutely worthless. They believed the
people who said they were no good. They started to take drugs, drink
a lot of alcohol, or drive carelessly.
Some birth mothers get stuck in this phase for a long time,
moving from denial to anger to depression over and over again. Birth
mothers who get out of this cycle of emotions usually do so by doing
one or more of the following things:
- Going to counseling;
- Talking with supportive family members or friends;
- Attending birth parent support group meetings;
- Writing their feelings down in a story or poem;
- Writing letters, even if they are not sent, to their child;
- Holding a private ceremony each year on their child's
birthday.
All of these are positive methods for dealing with grief and
accepting the loss.
When Your Child Is a Minor
The emotions associated with having placed a child for adoption
will always be a part of your life. As a way of dealing with your
grief, you might decide to try to find out how your child is doing.
If you were involved in a confidential adoption and you do not know
the identity of the adoptive family, the only way to find your child
is to contact the agency or attorney who arranged the adoption. Many
birth parents do this, even though the child is not yet 18.
If your adoption was confidential, you can write a letter "to the
file" of the child to explain the circumstances of the placement and
to tell the child that you love and wish the best for him or her.
This can be very therapeutic. And it can be tremendously helpful to
the child as well.
In one such case, the adoptive parents of an 11-year-old boy
placed as an infant called their adoption agency for assistance
because he was having self-esteem problems. He was convinced that
since he was placed for adoption, he must be worthless. Though he
and his adoptive parents had a good relationship, he expressed to
them that he felt "unlovable."
The agency social worker retrieved the boy's file and found that
the birth mother had recently sent a letter, her first communication
with the agency since the time of the placement. The letter
explained why she placed her child, in case he ever asked.
The adoptive parents read the letter to their son and they
discussed it at length. His self- esteem "shot up like a rocket." He
started to like himself more, do better in school, and get along
better with his friends. The adoptive parents were extremely
grateful. The adoptive and birth families have now started writing
letters to one another, without disclosing their identities and with
the agency acting as an intermediary—an arrangement that is working
out well for them.
You might decide to actually search for your child during the
child's minor years. If you find him or her, you will have to decide
if you want to contact the adoptive family or not. You might just
want to observe from afar. Those that contact the family get
different reactions. Some are positive and some are negative. You
must be prepared for both. (See the discussion that follows about
contact and reunion with adult adoptees.)
If you already have an open adoption, you have contact with your
minor child. Sometimes initial agreements about the amount of
contact can be changed. Perhaps you'd like to increase your visits
or receive more photos. These changes may or may not be possible,
but you can certainly try. Adoption professionals with experience in
this area may be able to help you reach a new agreement.
What if you find out new medical information later in life? Many
in the adoption field believe that it is definitely a responsibility
of all parties in adoption to share medical information. For
instance, if you or your partner develops breast cancer and you
placed a daughter, that daughter ought to know about it. Some kinds
of cancer run in families, and she ought to know so that she can be
screened for breast cancer as early as it is recommended. In an open
adoption, you can easily contact your daughter and her adoptive
family. In a confidential one, it may be more difficult, but you
should still try to do so through the adoption agency and/or the
attorney.
Dirck Brown, Ed.D., a nationally known leader in the adoption
reform movement, a reunited adult adoptee, and a therapist, says,
"Reunion promises no happy endings, only new beginnings, each with
the promise that those involved may become more fully themselves."
Resource: National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.
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When Your Child is an Adult
Your child is an adult when he or she reaches age 18. If you've
been tempted to search all along, you may get an even stronger urge
once your child reaches adulthood. The thought that you could
approach your daughter or son as an adult is appealing. At this age,
he or she might be able to understand more fully what it was like
for you when you were faced with the placement decision.In the past, it was assumed that birth parents would never search
for their adult adopted child, and certainly not their minor child.
After all, they were expected to forget that the birth and the
placement ever happened. But birth parents don't forget, and at
least nowadays some do search.
Voluntary Registries
One route to take, short of an all- out search, is to register
with voluntary registries for birth parents and adult adoptees. This
lets your child know that you would like to be "found." A registry
works like this: You leave the information about the birth of the
child along with your address and telephone number. You must keep
your address and telephone number current. You can register at any
time, even years after the child is born.
When your child is an adult, he or she can call or write this
registry. If what the child knows about his or her birth matches the
information the registry has about you, the registry will release
your current address and telephone number to the child, and you
could be contacted.
Should You Search?
According to leaders of national search and support
organizations, more people are searching now than in the past.
However, you may still wonder if you should search. You worry that
your child may not be interested in hearing from you. You worry
about the adoptive parents. How will they explain who you are to
their family and friends? What about your own family members? What
will the effects of a search be on them? How will they deal with a
long lost sister, brother, stepson, or stepdaughter, and how will he
or she fit in with your family?
While you may want to take other people's feelings into
consideration when deciding to search, your own feelings are also
important. In cases where you felt forced by others to place your
child and thus felt a lack of control over your and your child's
futures, searching is a way for you to get back some of that
control, fill in missing pieces, and move on. If you have a strong
urge to seek out your adult child, many adoption therapists say you
should follow it, as long as your actions are within the law and you
undertake the search with some understanding of how your son or
daughter might react. If you have a supportive spouse, adult
children, friends, a therapist, or a birth parent group, they can
help you deal with the reaction you get, whether it is positive or
negative.
You may be worried that intruding into your child's life might
harm the child, but research shows that a reunion often brings
adoptive parents and children closer together.1
The child learns that all the parent figures in his life care about
him and his happiness. It can be quite beneficial.
Goals of Searching
If you do search, your goal should be truth. You must be willing
to face whatever you might find out, even if it's the death of your
child. The information you learn may be painful; however, peace of
mind most likely will come with the pain. If you search for your
child only to find that he or she won't take your calls, answer your
letters, or send a photograph, at least you tried. Others before you
have found that the process still helped them set aside their
fantasies and accept their current life situation with a more
positive attitude.
Reunions
If you do find your child and have a reunion, you will finally
get the answers to your most pressing questions. You can be sure
that your child knows why you placed him or her for adoption, and
you will learn how the child turned out. But finding a son or
daughter doesn't solve everything. It will not magically restore
self-esteem, erase the guilt you may have felt through the years, or
make up for the time you didn't spend together. These issues still
need attention. And practical matters need attention, too. Deciding
how to spend time with your child after finding him or her, and how
to combine that relationship with your other family relationships,
can be tricky.
Not searching is also okay. Searching is presented here as one
way that some birth parents have dealt with their feelings.
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