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You have probably found a number of positive ways to cope with
your situation. You may attend support group meetings and
conferences, go to counseling, search for your child, and
communicate with other birth parents. The sections below discuss
each of these. A list of resources is provided at the end of this
article.
Support Group Meetings/Conferences
Some national birth parent support organizations have local
chapters. One well-known organization is Concerned United
Birthparents (CUB). Other birth parent support groups are not part
of a network and are independent, local organizations. Two examples
are Birth Mothers of Minors (B.M.O.M.S.) in New York City, and
Birthparents in the Open in Santa Cruz, California. Other groups are
sponsored by adoption agencies, such as the Barker Foundation in
Cabin John, Maryland, and the Lutheran Social Services of Wisconsin
and Upper Michigan in Milwaukee.
No matter how they are organized, birth parent support groups
generally have the same purpose in mind: to offer comfort, sympathy,
and an opportunity to talk with others and exchange information. For
many, a support group is one of the few places where everyone
understands the birth parent's point of view and people express
their feelings openly. It is an environment in which you can tell
your stories and hear about other people's experiences. Said one
birth mother after she attended her first support group meeting, "I
never knew there were other women walking around with my same guilt
and rage. For the first time in over 20 years, I didn't feel so
utterly alone!"
Some of the national birth parent support groups hold regional
and national conferences. These meetings offer the opportunity to
get support and information from a larger group of people. While
some focus on political or policy issues, others cover a wide range
of topics designed to enhance the quality of life for birth parents,
adoptive parents, and adoptees. A birth father attending a
conference of the Council of Equal Rights in Adoption in New York
City said, "It's a chance to mingle with many more birth parents
than the core group of 10 or so that show up at my local support
group meeting. You hear speakers with a national reputation, and
you're sitting in a large hotel ballroom filled with birth parents
and adoptees. There's still not enough birth fathers there, but it's
a start."
A birth mother in California named Curry Wolfe started another
organization with a very specific purpose in mind. Even though she
had found her adult child and had been a member of birth parent
support groups, she wanted to connect with other women who lived in
the same maternity home that she lived in while she was pregnant.
When she did that, she experienced even further healing. She started
Birthparent Connection because she wanted to help other women heal,
too.
A birth father now in Florida started the only national
organization specifically designed to help birth fathers. Jon Ryan
started the National Organization for Birthfathers and Adoption
Reform (NOBAR), which predominantly provides support and advocacy to
birth fathers concerning their legal rights. Says Ryan, "Birth
fathers have most of the same feelings as birth mothers about
adoption. Many are angry and unhappy being separated from their
children. . . . In my contacts with birth fathers I've found them to
be the total opposite of the stereotype of the uncaring, neglectful
guy who is relieved not to have to support a child he fathered."
NOBAR helps fathers in a number of situations, encouraging them to
get good counseling during their partner's pregnancy, to be involved
in the placement decision if adoption is their choice, and to get
legal counsel to prevent the placement of a child they want to
raise.
Counseling
You might find individual or group counseling with a counselor
who is knowledgeable about adoption issues to be very helpful. An
experienced therapist can help you untangle which of your concerns
are adoption-related and which are adjustment issues that many
people in your stage of life go through. You might work on
relationship, self-esteem, or parenting issues, as well as discuss
whether to search for your child. The outcome of a search can lead
to many different emotions that a therapist can help you sort
through.
Searching
Searching is another way that birth parents cope. Some of the
issues related to searching were discussed above. Searching can take
a number of routes: using support groups; hiring an investigator or
search consultant; reading literature; surfing the Internet;
contacting agencies or attorneys' offices; or hunting down clues
yourself. For more discussion of this, read the NAIC publication
"Searching for Birth Relatives."
Conclusion
You should now know that you are not alone and that there are a
number of resources available to you.
Written by Debra G. Smith, ACSW, director of the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse, 1995.
Resource: National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.
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